Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in a_little_stone's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
10:56 pm	in memoriam if i wrote a letter to you would you tell me why you held me tightly then and now you leave me floundering for a home. a metaphorical space inside you. somewhere where the wind can't go. where the leaves change with my mood. so that others would leave me alone to be with you. just you. as we listened to this morning's breeze. colder than some- but reminding us that today it is better not to sit alone. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: nothing still (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:53 pm	what the deuce So...I am not sure what is wrong with me. I feel really emotionally and physically run down. It's that kinda of tired that seems to pain you to take each breath, the kind that I somewhere starting associating it with getting run over by a freight train (even though I can't truly conceive what that would feel like). It just worries me that I fell asleep at 9 o clock last night and still had to take a nap after I got off of work today. I don't think it helped to go to the soccer game, where I watched all these girls do what I never seem to be able to do all four years. And, the worst part about that kind of subtle failure, is that you cover it up (real sneaky) with all kinds of excuses. I just spent the last two hours in the library with all these kids that have vision, direction, motivation, discipline....and I sat there reading my novel and realizing that I was having a hard time getting my work for three classes done. Where did I seem to go wrong? Did I start to slowly give up on things, and then just claim they weren't important to me anymore? I just feel like it's a waste of 150,000 dollars to not have some sort of direction with my life? I can fuck around all I want, tell myself I am valuing experiences most of all, but that doesn't erase the fact that I will graduate this year and not necessarily be headed towards ways I can benefit this world. What do I offer? and how long can I stand to be mediocre and make excuses why I don't actually do anything well? I say I like to write, but what honestly have I written that is of any creative substance recently? You would think that if something is important to me, I would enjoy it enough to do it once in awhile? I dream so well...but the curse is that I think I outdream myself. My mind reaches too highly, and it grows tiresome to fall short time and time again. With the swirling mass of negativity that is hurting my head right now, all I want to do is run. Run away from it all. The itch that keeps asking me to be bold enough to scratch it. I just want to leave all my fuck-ups, all the people that judge me, all the headaches that keep me from being myself (and being creative) (and being free), my family, fucking rochester, all the bullshit that i can't face anymore...I just want a chance to start over. in a place where there is peace. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: just the hum of overachievement in Rush Rhees library (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
1:10 am	so many questions...with a mind too tired to find the answers so i am developing an affinity for cute women with mohawks and it is cold in my house and after a weekend of frisbee i am pretty darn sore and cold and lying in bed wishing that my feet had friends under the covers to keep them warm. i hope i don't have nightmares from the fight i had to witness last night. i've really not felt that disturbed before, to see such senseless violence and the hatred in their eyes...i don't think i can really make sense of what i saw. racism...reconstructive surgery...friends trapped on the porch...the real sound of someone being punched in the head...how vulnerable we can become so quickly...indiscriminate violence...how can we be so awful to another human being? argh. Current Mood: confused Current Music: ani difranco, "your next bold move" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
8:27 am	do dee do things that make me happy right now -the co-op...the great crew that i've met through working there...the bustling vibe of change (it is so alive seeming)...grocery rocks...i just had a really good time there yesterday (i almost forgot i was working) -the prospects of butternut squash soup -passing a list of ideas between two people to make brainstorming such a fun game/endeavour -chocolate almond breeze -that my sister catherine might be in rochester for 2 years...i get to have her around for that long (i never dreamed that would ever happen again) -good solid women in my life...how they make me laugh, think, hope, dream, smile...more -running into a friend at a random thrift store...what does that say about us...ha -running down long frisbee hucks -dreaming about projects and how they will be realized -being happy with things just the way they are (especially after a period where they seemed to forever need a slight tweak...or i needed a tweak...hmm i wish someone would tweak me sometimes ;) -ohio state this weekend...partying with michigan state (hmmm) -not having my 2 o clock class today so i can come home and have a rainy afternoon by myself -rainy days (when all i want is to snuggle up and read) (Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
6:53 pm	addendum...to be honest i speak so vaguely shield myself in abstraction is it dishonest when will i say what i really mean and be fully prepared for the honest answer in return i safely tie my lips together and lock my bedroom door a cavernous hollow room i grow colder there by myself Current Mood: confused Current Music: the distant cars (Comment on this)
6:38 pm	while i wait i remember the sound of your november downtown i remember the truth of warm december with you but i don't have to make this mistake and i don't have to stay this way -joshua radin Certain words provoke images in my mind, other ones definitely forever attach me to a string of emotions, but i think it's even more interesting when i can hear words, particularly of a song, and become so enveloped in the memory involved that I begin to smell things, hear things, and feel the touch that was once attached. I hear these words and I begin to feel the snowflakes face gently onto my cheeks, and i feel the darkness begin to surround us. Then all I can feel is goosebumps, tracing the outline of my spine and in the chill of that january night...or was it a later night...with such strong feelings i get so absorbed in feeling that i can't tell if it was yesterday or ten years ago.... I reached for her,to keep myself warm, to remember that she was there, and affirm that no matter how the world seemed to chill my bones, that i was not alone. I believe it to be an interesting dilemma that some societal forces place on us, in the encouragement of such independence, that we sometimes shy away from such strength of emotion. Logic tells us that we need to follow all the reasons to maintain our personal lives, our personal sense of ourselves, yet when it comes down to it, we are all reaching out inside. perhaps it is just that i myself am a lover, but it makes little sense that i would choose to be alone. i want the goosebumps back. Current Mood: curious Current Music: winter, joshua radin, part of my go to sleep mix (Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
6:12 pm	because i need an outlet I definitely have my qualms about this sort of thing, and how it seems kinda to smack of self-importance, but i am willing and curious to try it out...because sometimes we all move too fast and need to spell out some things...even if it's affirmation to ourselves, and no one in the world knows it exists. i love words and writing and reading, though as much as i crave some outlet for expression, i haven't yet found a satisfying means. i can only hope. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: none (Comment on this)